TIM REVIEWS BACHELOR PAD (EVEN THOUGH NO ONE ASKED HIM TO)

When I heard that “Bachelor Pad” was coming on, I thought to myself “ok, watch this thing because you worked with Gwen on a film and she’s a really nice person, plus she’s from Philly too.” so I sat down on Monday night and made a point to watch this show. FULL DISCLOSURE: ABC and Gwen have nothing to do with this review, as a matter of fact, they’d probably both rather I didn’t. So here we go. Tim’s review of “BACHELOR PAD”
 
8:00pm. The Bachelor Pad starts! It showing clips of EVERYONE crying. It’s like this montage of every castmember, not sniffling crying….but wailing, why so sad? Perhaps the next hour will shed some light on this unbelievable sadness.
 
8:01pm, the montage was broken up as now there’s a clip of some girl letting some greased up guy grind on her. That dirty bird.
 
8:01pm, my goodness, more crying. With all the war, economy and despair in the world, it makes perfect sense to me that a bunch of people on a Los Angeles beachfront mansion are so very very sad.
 
8:01pm, Gwen sighting! Philly all up in here. Wait, she’s crying though. What happens on this show? Does everyone get punched in the junk every hour on the hour? That’s the only way this crying montage makes any sense.
 
8:02pm, some hillbilly is talking. Now he’s dancing. 58 more minutes to go.
 
8:03pm, there’s now a clip in this montage of everyone vomiting.
 
8:04pm, ok the show is starting and the host is the guy who says “This is the most important rose ceremony EVER” is talking.
 
8:05pm, first castmember is here. This is TENLEY, she’s really loud and excited and talking about a guy named Jake who isn’t there. Imaginary friend? Maybe, Tenley seems a little unstable.
 
8:06pm, some dirtball named Jesse just rolled up. Not sure who he is, even rose ceremony guy doesn’t know who he is, he’s giving that reaction when you don’t know who someone is, rose ceremony guy is like “oh….um….hey….man.”
 
8:07pm Natalie is here and is mad some guy named Jason dumped her in Vegas. There’s no way I’m keeping track of all these people.
 
8:07pm Tenley is screaming when anyone walks in, really loudly. Natalie is looking at this Jesse guy and has no idea who he is either. Is he ever supposed to be on this show or is he some vagrant who just walked in there and won’t leave?
 
8:07pm, Jesse is groping these girls now. Someone should really step in here and stop this. Tase this vagrant.
 
8:07pm, we’re 7 minutes in and we have our first awkward bro-hug. This guy rolls up, jumps out and grabs rose ceremony guy and bro hugs him long and awkwardly.
 
8:07pm, bro Hug enters the house, more Tenley screaming. Bro Hug is very oddly hopping like a bunny. That’s way too soon. I like to be in the house for at LEAST 5 minutes before I start bunny hopping.
 
8:07pm, GWEN is here! Philly has arrived. She just threw a battery at Rose Ceremony guy, Philly style. I wish Gwen would just hang out outside, don’t go into that house! There are 2 screaming girls, bro hug and Jesse who I’m sure is about to get maced. DON’T GO IN THERE GWEN!
 
8:08pm, Gwen ignores my advice and walks in, Jesse says he doesn’t know her, probably because Jesse was probably in lockup or sleeping in a dumpster for the last 12 years. Should I call the cops on Jesse? I feel it’s the right thing to do. Hoping maybe Bro Hug gives him a chest bump and security can escort Jesse out of the house.
 
8:08pm, Vagrant Jesse just called Gwen “Mom”. Creepiest thing I’ve ever heard.
 
8:08pm, More screaming in the house, anytime anyone walks in. We’re 8 minutes in, some new girl showed and Bro Hug just chest bumped her and then groomed his half beard.
 
8:08pm, Some guy named WEATHERMAN showed up. No first name, no last name, just WEATHERMAN.
 
8:09pm Weatherman apparently has a serious beef with someone named Craig. This sounds serious. I’m talking 2Pac-Biggie serious.
 
8:09pm, some goth girl named Niki shows up and say she hates someone named JUAN.
 
8:10pm Juan shows up! I didn’t see THAT one coming a mile away. I also bet they wheel out this Craig guy at some point to piss off Weatherman
 
8:10pm, Tenley is screaming. Again. I wish she’d stop. Please Tenley, you’re at a 10. I need you at a 4. Tenley finished screaming and just decided to dry hump Juan.
 
8:10pm Juan hugs Goth Niki who hates him. I hate people who ask “can I have a hug?” Just take the hug Juan. Show some initiative.
 
8:11pm, Natalie is talking to us and tells us Goth Niki and Juan had hot beautiful relations. That chatty cathy.
 
8:13pm Weatherman hates this Craig guy. He keeps letting us know this. Weatherman wants to brawl. There’s no way Craig isn’t showing up in mere minutes.
 
8:14pm, some hillbilly guy named Wes showed up, has bam bam bigelow style tattoos. Wes looks a little hammered. Can’t say I blame him, I’m 14 minutes in and wish I’d had a cold one before I started this.
 
8:15pm, Tenley screams when Wes walks in, I will give Tenley everything I have in my wallet to stop screaming. All six dollars. And a coupon for a free chik fil a sandwich.
 
8:15pm, Bro Hug just hugged Wes HARD. Really hard. It was almost NOTEBOOK style love there. I haven’t seen Jesse in a while, I bet he’s stealing food.
 
8:15pm, Natalie tells us Wes sucks. I’m with Natalie
 
8:15pm, Krisily shows up. Weatherman says “who the hell is Krisily?” I’m with Weatherman.
 
8:15pm, wow, some girl named Elizabeth showed up and she’s wearing a prom gown. Tenley just keep screaming and screaming, I can’t do this. Is there a Phils game on? NO TIM, KEEP PRESSING ON.
 
8:16pm, Weatherman likes Prom Dress Girl
 
8:17pm, Some new guy with a beard shows up, I can’t hear anything because Tenley keep screaming and screaming. This is a good platform for my thought that only Dads should have beards. Earn the beard fellas.
 
8:17pm, Prom Girl REALLY seems to like Weird Beard.
 
8:17pm, no guy on this show owns a razor, all of them seem to be wanna be mountain man. I blame that Brad Pitt beard. He set the tone for filthy filthy people saying “well if Brad can do it, I can do it”
 
TIM’S EQUATION TO BE A GUY ON BACHELOR PAD:
 
1.       Don’t shave or shower for 3 weeks.
2.       Buy black tee shirts and sleep in it so it’s filthy and wrinkled.
3.       Make this face, open mouth like you’re catching flies and roll your eyes up and to the left. Make this face often.
4.       Hug it out.
 
REPEAT. And you too can be on BACHELOR PAD!
 
8:17pm, “Thank God Kiptyn is here.” I just wanted to write that.
 
8:17pm, Rose guy just asked Kiptyn about his abs. Disturbing.
 
8:17pm, Dear ABC, Tenley’s constant screaming has blown out my speakers on my surround sound. Please make it stop. Peace in the streets, TIM
 
8:17pm, Tenley tells us all (loudly) that she’d tap that Kiptyn.
 
8:18pm, here we go, prom girl has a big time beef with Michelle who just walked in and looks like a buff version of Mischa Barton. I think Mischa Barton Michelle could really whoop some @ss. And she’s pounding screwdrivers. Wes tells us he thinks Mischa Barton Michelle will chop his wang off.
 
8:19pm, Jesse sighting! He’s laughing at a blank wall. Someone get him out of there.
 
8:19pm, Gia is here. You may say “Ok, Tim, Gia is sort of lovely, no way you’re mocking her” and you’re damn right, let’s move on.
 
8:20pm, Craig shows up, he looks sort of like John Corbett. Is this the guy Weatherman hates? If it is, I want to see a fight right now….Craig and his white pants versus a guy named weatherman, IN A STEEL CAGE!
 
8:20pm, someone told Weatherman to hide. If weatherman has to get beat up, it better not be by a guy dressed in white pants.
 
8:26 Rose guys comes out and actually tells us why all these people are in one house. 19 people are there, there are competitions, possibilities of love and someone can win 250,000. You can go on “intimate dates” with 3 other people. Everyone has to sleep in the same room. Summer camp style. Of course Jesse is likely sleeping outside near the garbage cans since they don’t have a bed for this guy because he’s been breaking and entering on national television for about 26 minutes.
 
8:34pm. The challenge is that they’re all playing TWISTER. Except Wes, who’s talking about 2x4’s. Know who I wish was on this show who likes 2x4’s? Hacksaw Jim Duggan. 
 
8:35pm, Tenley is screaming and bending her foot over her head. I think I hate her.
 
8:36pm, Gwen just said she wants to vote Craig off. Suck it, white pants, Philly just got all up in your grill.
 
8:36pm, Juan is playing Twister and really perving it up.
 
8:36pm, Tenley got kicked off Twister because she can’t tell left from right.
 
8:37pm, Prom Girl just told Craig, while he was playing Twister, that she hates him. I’m with Prom Girl.
 
8:40pm, Craig wins Twister! Weatherman wants to kill himself. Probably because Weatherman looks just like Brain Dunkleman. Though he’s not as cool as the Dunk.
 
8:47pm, Craig wins a date with 3 girls and is now dressed up like the guy from those PANAMA JACK tee shirts back in the day. Somehow, all of the girls REALLY like this look.
 
8:48pm, Panama Craig pulls Prom Girl aside he’s like “PLEASE! LIKE ME!” and Prom Girl is all “well, win me over!” and somehow THIS WORKS. Prom Girl said she’d go out with him.
 
8:54pm Jesse is still there, stealing wall hangings and anything else not hammered down.
 
8:54pm, Before bed, Wes punches some dude in the jimmies.
 
8:55pm Tenley tells us that Craig and Mischa Barton Michelle hooked up overnight on their bunk bed. And she’s screaming. 5 more minutes and I get a week off of this cast. If I was one of these girls I wouldn’t mess with Micha Barton Michelle, she looks like she can throwdown.
 
8:56pm, Here’s a little Bachelor Pad irony. Tenley, SLEEPS WITH EAR PLUGS! The same girl who’s been screaming at us incessantly for the last 56 minutes likes to sleep in quiet.
 
8:57pm, Panama Craig gets 3 dates. I hope he takes Weatherman and this turns into a rap war. He takes the runner up in that Twister perv out, and takes Gwen too! If Gwen wins this whole thing, she may make it on to “TIMS FOUR PILLARS OF DOMINANT PHILADELPHIANS” This is the current list:
1.       William Penn

2.       Von Hayes


3.       Patti Labelle

4.       Boyz II Men
 
If Gwen can win “BACHELOR PAD” I’ll have to knock Boyz II Men off this list. Gwen will be #4. Sorry Motown Philly. But I had to knock Daryl Hall off this list in 1991 to make room for Boyz II Men.

 
8:57pm, Prom Girl gets a date here too.
 
8:58pm, I just checked, this thing ISN’T OVER! It’s 2 hours! NOOOOOOOOO
 
8:58pm, Where’s the diversity in this cast? I haven’t seen this many terrifying white people since the 2008 Republican National Convention.
 
8:59pm, The date is the ocean. Everyone frolicks in the ocean, Gwen gets a piggyback ride from Craig, Gwen, you have plenty of room to hide, RUNNNNNNNNNN
 
9:01pm, Craig chases prom Girl up a hill. They cut back to the house.
 
9:07pm, Vagrant Jesse is like “I need LOOOOOOOVE” but he’s actually saying that to a sandwich. How is ABC letting this continue. This is DEFINITELY home invasion.
 
9:08pm, Now Jesse is whispering “I like your kisses”, but he’s whispering that to a vaccuum cleaner. I really wish I’d had some beer before this.
 
9:10pm, back to the date, Craig is now wearing a pink shirt and tells one girl she can keep dating him, but needs to tell 2 of them to go the hell away. He tells Gwen and prom girl to go away. He keeps Twister girl. Gwen, you got away from a creepy guy who’s dressed like strawberry shortcake, trust me, you won.

CRAIG. RUN GWEN! 

9:12pm, Craig and Twister Girl are getting a private show by that band that sings that song from the 90’s “wherever you will go”. This band was also in Coyote Ugly singing this very song, though at least Coyote Ugly had John Goodman in it. I’d do anything for John Goodman to show up right now. “I would like my undies back”.
 
9:13pm, Prom Girl Elizabeth is in a NEW prom gown and is really pissed she doesn’t get to hear that band. Speaking of 90’s bands, this is how bad we have it. My parents grew up with Bob Dylan and the Beatles and could quote great lyrics like “in the end, the love you take will be equal to the love you make” fast forward to anyone who grew up on 90’s music, where we get lyrics like “I did it all for the nookie, so you can take that cookie and shove it up your YEAH” THANKS LIMP BIZKIT FOR RUINING EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING.

 
9:17pm, I just realized that at least half of this cast is also named Jesse or Jessie.
 
9:18pm, Weird Beard is now trying to be like “I’m too cool to be in a relationship” with Prom Girl Elizabeth, everyone keeps effing with Prom Girl, she’s about to get all “CARRIE” on this house.
 
9:19pm, I have to say prom Girl is pretty gangsta, she just threatened Weird Beard, he‘s practically in tears.
 
9:23pm, Tenley is dancing. Mischa Barton Michelle is pretty mad at her for telling us that she hooked up with Panama Craig. She followed Tenley into the toilet.
 
9:24pm, Mischa Barton Michelle trapped Tenley in the toilet while Tenley was pooping. More irony, this is actually one time where Tenley could acceptably scream and she actually DOESN’T!
 
MORALE OF THE STORY: Don’t spread rumors about Mischa Barton Michelle or she’ll threaten to kill you while you’re pooping. Live and learn.
 
9:31pm, Goth Niki is sad because she once made sweet sweet love to Juan. Juan just said he’s a piece of poop. Bachelor Pad has really taken an odd detour and has become quite poo-centric.
 
9:33pm, Prom Girl is threatening Weird Beard again. I think it’s weird beard, it’s a guy with a beard, and a faded black tee shirt.  It really could be any of the guys on this show. Prom Girl is actually pretty thug. I bet she could cap someone before this season is over. But she’s in love with weird beard. Weird Beard, accept this love, or she will kill you. He just buckled and accepted Prom Girls love. Smart man. He was definitely looking at getting wacked by the end of this episode.
 
9:37pm, BEST THING ABOUT BACHELOR PAD so far, this preview for this Jason Bateman movie “THE SWITCH”.
 
9:42pm, Juan is now yelling about HIS beard.
 
9:42pm, Craig is all dressed up for the Rose Ceremony, and wearing this odd teal shirt. Craig dresses EXACTLY like an easter egg.
 
9:42pm, No sign of that Jesse guy, I bet he’s removing light fixtures right now.
 
9:43pm, All the girls hate weird beard. Prom Girl loves him and hates him too.
 
9:44pm, no idea how this elimination works people are quickly grabbing pictures and throwing them in a box. I guess whoever sucks the most has to go away? 1 girl and 1 guy? Six bucks and a chik fila coupon to anyone who votes off Tenley.
 
9:47pm, Goth Niki is screaming at Juan, I don’t think it’s about the time they made sweet sweet music together….I think it’s likely because Juan lost her Twilight DVD’s and she’s all like:
 
Goth Niki: “I’m Team Edward, I need my DVDS!”
Juan: “But I’m juaaaaaaan”
Goth Niki: “where’s my twilight DVD?”
Juan: “I’m juuuuuaaaaaaan”
Goth Niki: “I like soup”
Juan: “I’m Juaaaaaaaan”
 
9:53pm, Here we go, most important rose ceremony ever.
 
9:54pm, someone keep Vagrant Jesse! He thanks them and steals their wallet.
 
9:55pm, Tenley stays! I hate whoever made this possible.
 
9:55pm, Gwen stays! Brotherly Love in the house! Boyz II Men you’re one week closer to letting Gwen take your place on my list.
 
9:56pm, Weird Beard stays.
 
9:58pm, Juan and Mischa Barton Michelle get kicked off.
 
9:59pm, oh man, Weatherman is making fun of Juan and using an offensive Spanish accent, how did THAT make it on to national TV?
 
10:00pm, Tenley is glad Mischa Barton Michelle is gone because Tenley wants to poop with no interruptions, she immediately sprints for the toilet.
 
10:01pm NEXT WEEK, there’s some group called THE INSIDERS against some group called THE OUTSIDERS. I’m as befuddled as all of you.
 
The credits roll while Weatherman sings a song called….”Weatherman” and my goodness I’m not kidding, the lyrics go “Weatherman……ohh the weatherman weatherman….UNDERWEAR”
 
There’s 2 hours of my life I’m not getting back. See you next week,
TIM